In an overview of my life....well there is nothing to view over. My life is non-existent. I never accomplish anything. I dont have any goals. Nothing I want to accomplish anyway. My goal was escaping my mother and the hell that was Tampa. I had no friends. From the time I turned 13 no one liked me. I was made fun of at every turn. My goal was to escape. I did that and I had no goal to replace it with. Had I had one I wouldnt have studied the most worthless subject matter. I would have found something I could make a life with.
What did I have for role models? None. My mother was a role model in what not to do. She was and is such a shut in recluse I never had the opportunity to meet anyone who may have influenced my life into doing something worthwhile. Other people meet their parent's friends. My mother, like me, didnt have any. Sure when we were in Virginia before she became a total nut case. Dont ask me what Jennifer's mother did though. I dont remember. I think she may have been a nurse. Nursing isnt for me. Id have no bedside manner. I know that doesnt deter many but I think it is important. But other than Jennifer's mother my mother had no friends.
I never lived near family so I have no idea what they did or do. I remember my grandmother pushing accounting. Not a good job for someone as poor at math as I am. Also boring. I dont need excitement just not to fall asleep while learning.
I mean there were job examples from TV but people were just those jobs. No one discussed how to get one. My guidance counselor was worthless on that front. Her job was to make sure the number of students heading to 4 year universities was high enough. She didnt want to actually cousel.
I was on my own with no clue and no way to get one. I picked a school that was above my knowledge and barely made it all to escape. Instead I left the horror situation I was in and make an ever bigger disaster out of my life.
I have no idea what to do next because I have no idea what I want. I have no desires. No dreams, other than to die. Everything I touch turns to trash.
And the worst thing is I have no way to end it. I have no pills here. I have no razor blades.I suppose if I angled the one I use to dehair my face correctly it might work but I have a feeling any wounds would be superficial. Im considering pulling a plastic bag over my head and sealing it to my neck with duct tape. It seems like the cleanest way to go. Ive no desire to go on at all. I cant make myself leave the house to go to the gym, or doctor. And the doctors have such fucking stupid hours even if I did feel like it I wouldnt make it over when one is actually in. 9-11am and then 2 days a week with 16-18 too. What the fuck!
But it doesnt matter. I just want to be free.
Around the Bend
Come On Join the Joyride
- in an overview